I grew up in a happy home. There was love in my home. There was safety. We lived modestly and simply, although quite busy, and that’s just how I liked it. I grew up with four siblings, one older, three younger. Our parents enriched our lives with many, many opportunities that I will forever be grateful for. Over the years I was involved in numerous dance classes, piano lessons, violin lessons, singing lessons, girls choir and cheerleading, to name a few. I think I was good at these things but I don’t feel as though I was really great at any of them. The arts are apart of my make up and I often find my self wishing I had pushed myself harder and wishing that I had been more diligent and disciplined. I wished and still find myself wishing that I could master one of those talents, becoming a professional ballerina, a well known and loved performer. Dreams. There was one thing though, that I wished for more than anything else – that was to be a mom.
When Josh and I got married in April of 2009, our #1 priority was to travel the world. Five months after our wedding we found out that I was pregnant. We were so excited. Our plans for travelling dissipated as we eagerly made new plans for our new exciting life.
Miscarriage is a devastating disappointment; a dream eraser, and a difficult reality.
After that emotionally draining experience, our priorities changed. I remember going shopping with Josh close to Christmas time and walking into a LuLu Lemon store. They had a station set up were you could write your goals for the new year. I remember writing, “Become a mom in 2010.”
Well, I did not become a mom in 2010… but I did become pregnant!
My dreams came true on April 28th 2011 when darlings Fay and Eden were born. I’ve been a mommy now for five years. I love it. It’s funny how people can do the best they can to express how they feel with words, but words are never truly adequate enough.
It is oh so rewarding, but honestly it’s harder than I ever imagined. I had heard people say, “parenting is so hard.” I didn’t believe them… until now. Now I get it. (Perhaps you’re thinking, “they’re only five! Just you wait!” There is so so much to learn about being mommy. Thankfully I have a mother. A mother who loves and nurtures, she’s admired and respected. She’s humble and talented, loving and inviting. My mom doesn’t judge and doesn’t speak unkindly of others. My mom is the ultimate mother. Now if she’s reading this (and mom… you better be 😉 ) She’s probably shaking her head and thinking that, “No, the ultimate mother is my mom.” …Which isn’t too far from the truth. My grandmother is a saint. She is good to the bone and defines grace. I also have an angel grandmother who we think of often with fondness. She was warm and generous and we miss her so much.
So. I’m a mom. And I often feel inadequate, like I’m not trying my hardest or doing my best. Sometimes I’m not patient enough or tender enough. I lose my cool. I get lazy. I mix my priorities and I make mistakes. I haven’t mastered being a mom yet. I haven’t become a great mother. But… I love it. I love Fay and Eden. And I hope that one day, at least in their beautiful, brown eyes, that I’ll be the ultimate mother.
Thanks for reading a piece of my soul today. Happy Mother’s Day.
*A huge thank you to my good friend Brittany for these cherished photographs. Brittany Lowry Photography